can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
