if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Randomize
