I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
