Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
