you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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