your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
