if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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