i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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