Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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