just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
