I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
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