checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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