If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm always down for nudity.
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