Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
