My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
