She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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