Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
