Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
