I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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