I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
