Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
