and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
