I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
