FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
