i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
