When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
