Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
