Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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