I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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