not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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