Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
