I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
