8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
