some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
