When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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