I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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