I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
