Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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