Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
