I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
even my farts smell like vagina
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
