You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
