My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
