I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
