I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
