Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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