I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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