How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
