I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
