My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
