I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
