What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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