I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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