I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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