Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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