We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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