i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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