i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
