I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
