I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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