everyone is single if you try hard enough
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
