I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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