I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
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