how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
