she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize