Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
